When I was in junior high school, I know what I wanted to be in the future- an architect. Now i’m in senior high and I think I’m lost. I almost want to be everything or to be nothing. There’s no in between. I’ve been in to photography, to blogging (different kinds of blogs, from personal, photography and to this- writing), to painting and drawing.
I do lots of things that leads me to wanting to do nothing. I don’t know maybe it’s just exhausting, or I just haven’t found my passion yet. Do I even have a passion?
I’m a mess, I guess. And I need to fix this mess. Rearrange my life together. Concentrate on – wait, I don’t even know what to concentrate on.
It is 2:15am and i’m thinking about everything. The worst thing is I don’t know what that everything is. I just know it’s everything.
I keep forcing myself to sleep at night. Keeping my eyes shut for several hours. Clearing my mind. But the more i empty my mind, the more thoughts keep flowing in. I tried thinking about nothing and end up thinking about everything.
I end up imagining this scenario right now – leaving these thoughts here. I imagined typing this words with my eyes shut. I just hate how time-consuming the process is. I did this whole thing in my mind and keep persuading myself not to, because it’s fricking 2:15 am and I need to sleep for my exams and school works. And yes, of course, I realized it’s impossible for me to sleep without doing this. So I did it anyway and doubled the time I consumed just to do it. And that sucks.
I don’t write. I want to, but I can’t. But no matter what the universe tells me to do, i will do what i want to do.
There’s just times when so many thoughts run into my head and eat my whole cute human being. (You gotta see yourself beautiful because that is what’s important) Then I’ll wake up to my reality at night and start doing school works due the next day. I don’t want to rant these thoughts on twitter though, I rarely even tweet.
So maybe I can just leave these thoughts here and let myself be in the reality, thinking only what really matters.
Oh, I actually have 2 homeworks (both maths) and 2 quizzes (one of them is pre-calculus i’m dead af) this week and all i’m doing is writing this thing. Life is fun, yeah.